Jayne’s spiritual laxatives
by Devil Theory
Summary: The title says it all really...rating is for horrible toilet humour and may go up soon
1. Chapter 1

**Jayne's spiritual laxatives **

**Summary:The title says it all really…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it, and after reading this story, you'll be glad of the fact.**

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_The night before..._**

'I'm not taking any discussion on this, Jayne your staying on board.' For once Mal had found a well paying job. The only problem was took itthem deep into, "unfriendly" Alliance country. Not a problem for Mal, not when the pay was so good. And after his crew had spent the last month living off rations and his ship was running on fumes. No this would be a good job, for them nice clean honest work.

A simple enough job to. Take items A to location B and receive payment. Easy money, as Badger had said. Only like all things in Mal Reynolds life it wasn't simple easy money. The planet they had to deliver items A to had certain unresolved issues with Jayne Cobb. Something about the local town sheriffs twin daughters, a horde of family yard animals and a ping pong table.

'But Mal they got food here! And it's been weeks since we've had anything to eat!'

'Which they ain't going to be inclined to share with any of us, if you show your face.' Mal sighed. 'Now I'm not for minding what you did on this here rock and if you want to keep the particulars too yourselves. I'm actually kind of thankful for the fact. But the word is that these folks won't take too kindly to your presence so your staying onboard!' Mal ordered.

'Mal we gotta nothing to goddamm eat on this here boat of yours! You going out to there to get yourselves some eating food! A man got to eat! Mal and I'm a man!'

'I had keenly observed that fact. But you should be able to take care of yourself for one night, beside someone's got to watch the preacher, he was looking a might bit pale then I imagine a man's suppose to.' Mal raised his eyebrow, and Jayne looked disgusted.

'Mal I can't cook! I don't know nothing about no goddamn kitchen! I' am a man! Goddamit!' He plead again. 'You'll regret this!'

'Then be one and take care of yourself for one night! Now I'm leaving my boat in your protection for one night, I expectit returned in the morning in a fine and responsible working order.' And with thatMal and his group left for the nearby town on foot.

The cargo bay doors shut out the light and Jayne's friends. The distance sound of a man retching was the only sound left in Serenity after that.

The next morning…

'Oh man I swear, I could not eat another bite!' Wash proudly declared as he wheeled the mule into Serenity's bay. The cargo bay doors were wide open and the bay was filled with the dry desert air.

'They were certainly hospitable bunch.' Mal added as he closed up the rear hatch. Inara and Kaylee just slipping in-between the closing doors.

'Come on don't be shy lady's! Time to get back on the road again. Badger owes us a nice fat pay check, so what's say we go and collected it!' The captain clapped his hands together. Then the doors closed. And the Captain Reynolds was introduced to Serenity's newest permanent resident.

'Now what the hell is that? Kaylee!' The shiny mechanic turned a bright shade of crimson, as she pinched her nose.

'I didn't do it Captain!' She turned away embarrassed.

'Mal!' Inara slapped him on the arm. 'How dare you accuse a lady for something like that! Oh god! What is that!' She shrieked as she pinched her nose.

'I wasn't accusing anyone of anything! I was asking if this smell might be something we should be concerning ourselves with!' He yelled twisting his nose harder trying to block the smell out. 'Something in the atmospheres? Kaylee?'

'Captain…' Kaylee turned towards him looking a mean shade of green, holding her nose.

'I need some air.' she said shakily clutching her stomach.

'I' am opening the door! Wash! Hold off on that there departure. I don't think none of us are in a hurry to-' Mal turned a twisted the lock in the control panel. The outer hatch slowly lowered. And the inner doors just started to part. Unfortunately the mechanism was too slow for Kaylee's impatient stomach. Kaylee's overly filled stomach emptied it's self…over Captain Reynolds boots.

'Oh good god! Alright everyone out!' Mal hit another switch and a second later an emergency alarm echoed through Serenity.

Inara guided Kaylee out through the hatch as the poor mechanic gagged in the airlock.

'Zoë! Wash! Doc! All of you out and someone grab the shepherd and Jayne! I'm expecting to hear some good explaining for this odour!' The captain shouted over the Commsystem. There was no answer. 'What the hell! Zoë! Wash! Get out here!' The sick drenched captain barked at the refectory.

'Someone help me!' A strangled cry came from Zoë in the refectory.

Inara looked at Mal 'Mal I think you should go!' The companion gestured towards the refectory door on the other side of the cargo bay.

'I ain't going anywhere near that smell! It might be dangerous for me!' He said pleading cowardice.

'Captain I need help! That useless husband of mine has passed out on me!' Mal looked at the door and then back to Inara, wincing under her scolding gaze.

'Oh you're such a hero! Look after Kaylee.' she sarcastically ordered him. Adding as she pushed pass him. 'If you can do that.'

'What! Hey I heard that!' She disappeared into the depths of serenity, without another word. Leaving Mal with the ailing Kaylee. She straighten herself up and dizzily threw herself at Mal.

'I'm Sorry Captain, I didn't mean to ruin your shiny shoes.' He wrapped his arms around her hushed her.

'Don't you worry about them, dry them out, be good as new aft-' He didn't finish. Kaylee emptied the remnants of last nights feast down Captain Reynolds front. Expect now she got a good portion of his brown coat as well as his shoes.

He threw his arms wide and backed away form her. 'That's just great.' He sighed exasperated.'Mal!' Inara was back with Zoe and an unconscious Wash wedged between them. Both women looking furious at him.

'What did I do!' He said defensively. As the two women dropped the unconscious pilot down to rest.

'All I ask you too was look after Kaylee!' She pointed towards the retching mechanic laying on the dustbowl floor.

'That was an accident!' He shot his hands skywards in frustration. 'What in the verse did you do to my ship Jayne Cobb!'

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**So that's all i wrote what you going to do? Well one idea is you leave a review and me and the plot bunnies will get a cracking a.s.a.p. as soon as i catch somemore.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Those bastard's at fox cancelled Firefly and their won't let me claim it as my own, so what can I do? It's not mine.**

**The night before…**

**'**Goddarnit! There's nothing to eat!' Jayne tore thought cardboard after cardboard leaving grease paw prints everywhere. He thumped the kitchen counter in frustration in the end, giving up his search. He drew a knife from his belt and started to scratch something into the counter, a demented smile hung from his face, as he carved.Mal Reynolds eats giant t-

Jayne stopped. Something rattled, the sound of a man groaning and metal expanding. 'Godarn preacher! Men o'God getting sick just proves he ain't listening to ya. Too busy tripping up old lady's and blow the skirts off the young finer things.' Jayne leant back to finish his work when he heard it. And now this was a special sound, it's rare that a person hears a shitstorm stirring over head. And even rarer can a person say that and be literal about it.

A single brown drop fell from the ceiling of the kitchen. It plopped onto the table, innocently.

Jayne's brow turned upwards and he cautiously approached the drop. He bent down to it's level and like a child poked it with his knife. Experimenting with the drop, fascinating his starving mind and body. Inevitable though he took a small finger and plopped it into the watermark. Bringing the enigmatic substance to his nose he sniffed it. Perhaps his sense of smell was impaired by hungry or some strange space phenomenon. Who knows? The point is Jayne didn't smell anything wrong with. He took the solitary fingers and poked out his tongue, the soiled finger descend...

**This morning…**

Some people love animals and their called…animal lovers or practitioners of bestiality. And in this fine verse there are many people who do that…them. However there is only one man who loves a ship, and his is an epic and romantic love and most importantly a non-sexual love. More on the relationship side of things though, this man who we could call "Mal Reynolds" loves his ship most of the time. On this day he did not love his ship which we could call "Serenity". No Serenity had embarrassed Mal, and Mal was not happy. Serenity had a smell in it, a persistent and villainous odour. With villainousiness and -

'Honey that's not a word.'

'What villainousiness? Sure it is sweetie, it comes after villainous in the dictionary.'

'Oh. Has my sweetie been breathing in too many of those nasty fumes?' Zoë leant over and kissed her husband on the forehead.

'Oh look who it is! Captain hero!' Zoë shot an acerbic chortle at the puke covered "war hero" known as Captain Reynolds.

'Do you have to film this?' the captain flung a wide spray of sick at the camera.

You see some people have no appreciation for fine filmmaking.

'It's never done me any good. Now how is it exactly you managed to stay conscious long enough to get that camera, but you somehow fell a foul of grabbing any of that them there breathing apparatus?' Jayne mysteriously disappearing, leaving a foul smelling Serenity behind equals one mad Mal.

Half had passed since we had fled Serenity's for the arid desert heat, it was already 90 degrees and not even mid-morning. The fate of our comrades inside of Serenity are as yet unknown. What caused the ship to possess such an odour ? Is as yet unknown. Our best guesstimate suggest some kind of Jayne induced catastrophe involving the ship's septic tanks. It's not a pretty a thought. And what of Book? We can only assume he survived by fleeing in terror. Into the harsh desert.

It is not an uncomfortable temperature for us outside. Not yet and we could always return to town if the heat became too, oppressive. However one problem a sweltering desert can present is, if someone has parked a firefly with a foul smell trapped within, in the middle of said desert.

Under normal conditions Firefly's maintain a pleasant 45 degrees. If the engines are running. On a planets surface however, where the ship has been parked for an entire night. The atmospheric controls shut down to conserve power. And Firefly's do what any metal object with no windows in the middle of a desert do. They get hotter. Do you need a picture? Hot desert, poorly ventilated, foul smelling Serenity. We may have only minutes to save those poor souls trapped inside before the ship smells worse then Satan's colon after a chicken and mushroom noodle oyster fest. As River might say. If anyone knew what she actually would say. If anyone knows where she actually is.

Truth be told the young, (insert personal preferred words for describing River Tam) girl had not been seen since last night. And everyone including her "loving, caring" brother had completely forgotten about their crazy charge. And now a remorseful brother was desperate to find his crazy little sister, now that he was conscious and battling a hangover at the same time. Truly this is a morning for heroes!

'Captain Reynolds! Please…I need to find River! No one else has seen…' The doc swallowed a laboured breath and nearly balled over as he battled the two tankards of moonshine burning the innards of his belly. Mal now in a heighten puke awareness state, was only too fast to side step away from the good doctor.

'I think you need to take a breather and aim that heaving belly of yours somewhere else!' He directs the doc towards a lone stick-like bush.

'I'm sorry captain, Mal I need…did you see her? At all? I when…' Mal would hate most … some …maybe a person or two to think he's unfeeling bastard. Unfortunately that person no longer considers Mal heroic, in anyway, after Mal was, embarrassed, no, humiliated by a smell.

'Mal! Well isn't that familiar! Why you know, now that I think about it, I did see your sister. Last night.' They was evil behind that man's eyes.

'You did! Please you have to tell me where!' Simon grabs, no, lunges at the captains vomit covered clothes. Mal steps away.

'Last night in your room, I believe. Yes she was rumbling something about run sherry, boot leg knitting or some strangest of the like. Very colourful girl, life of the party as I remember.' The doctor turns pale at the mention, a drunk hidden memory of the night before lingers into his mind's eyes sight. Right now his probably thinking something like…

"No please by my pretentious and over priced shoes! Please tell me my sister didn't see me debase myself with the town's local whoring population!"

Yes are young doctor finally found out what stirrups are really meant for. He may be starting his career as a intergalactic man of many women a littlelate. But last nights efforts were truly a remarkable beginning. I wonder if he knows this moon was founded by transvestites?

'You! You should be ashamed of yourselves!' Are he comes are ever loving "ambassador", and what's this, she carrying two space suits. Excellent, let the entertainment begin! Now Mal has no choice but to descend into the bowels of hell!

'Hey what! Why I..I haven't done anything! Or failed to do anything you ordered me to do.' Mal sneers and foolish continues in defying his masters wishes- I mean orders! No I mean wishes! Women wish they don't order.

'I'm the captain of this here boat and I don't take orders from you! When we're in your shuttle you can order me about all you like, but right now-' Inara folds her arms patiently waiting for Mal to shut up. A tumble weed rolls past.

'Mal. Firstly we are not on your ship and secondly even if we were you should still listen to me because you make a terrible captain. And thirdly, I was talking to the doctor!' Wow, I didn't see that one coming, not at first or at second.

'What did I do?' Simon stands be fumbled by the companion's rage. 'I honestly had high expectations of you, sacrificing everything for your sister, I respect you. But after your behaviour last night, to think what you have done to those poor people. Shame on you.' Jesus she sounds like my mother, I wonder who should tell Simon the truth about his latest conquests? Inara certainly going to make sure he suffers. Now which would be funny?

Uh-uh, Mal's looking angry.

'I don't make a bad captain!'

'I didn't say bad Mal, I said terrible! Now your going to escort Kaylee inside find Book and Jayne bring them out here and then your going to help Kaylee fix my ship!' The powerful Companion, turns to the sick tired mechanic. 'And Kaylee sweetie, if Captain hero can fix it on his own you let him!' Mal sneered vehemently. Kaylee comes to her feet and Inara passes the bulky suits to both to Mal.

'Now get going! This sun is bad for my complexion!' Was Inara always this bossy? 'Wash!' uh-uh! I bet to get out of here!

**Will Wash escape Captain Inara's wrath? What happened to River? And Book? And will Simon ever find out the true about his night of…passion? And who should tell him?**

**Your reviews help non stop to fuel this ridiculous story so don't stop leaving reviews! And thanks for reading!**


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